Holy Humor Sunday

Thomas and the Reporter

A Dialogue in Two Scenes

Scene 1: In Jerusalem the first Easter Monday

Thomas is walking around somewhat aimlessly when a reporter rushes up to him.

Reporter:  Excuse me, sir! Aren’t you Mr. Didymus? Mr. Thomas Didymus? I’m Seymour Scandal, from the Bethany Gazette. I’d like to ask you a few questions about Jesus.

Thomas:    Go away! Don’t you know what “Didymus” means? It means “twin”. I’m afraid you’ve confused me with my other brother Thomas. Go find him!

Reporter:  Wait a minute! You can’t fool me! Didn’t you hear me say that I’m from the Bethany Gazette? I was right there in the crowd when Jesus came into town after Lazarus died, and you (points at Thomas) were with him, along with the rest of his disciples. You can’t fool me. I recognize you!

Thomas:    Okay, okay. I guess I can answer a few questions.

Reporter:  Thanks! Here’s the first one: What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an oyster?

Thomas:    What kinda question is that? I really have no idea, but it would probably be unclean!

Reporter:  The oyster bunny! (Laughs uproariously) Get it?

Thomas:    Uh, not really. Don’t you have any real questions?

Reporter:  Oh, yeah. Sure, sure. This morning there are a lot of rumors flying around town that this guy you’ve been following, Jesus, who was crucified on Friday… that he’s has been raised from the dead. There’re saying his body wasn’t in the tomb when the women went to anoint it this morning. Peter and John allegedly went to check out their story and confirmed that only the grave clothes were there. Is that true?

Thomas:    Yeah, well here’s what I heard about that. John and Peter said they had good news and bad news.

Reporter:  What was the good news?

Thomas:    They said, “The Good News is that Jesus is alive! He is risen!”

Reporter:  So what was the bad news then?

Thomas:    According to Peter and John, Jesus is really ticked off about Friday!

Reporter:  Uh-oh! OK, ok. But I’ve heard some stuff that’s even more amazing. People are saying that Jesus appeared to a bunch of people, including all of his disciples at a group gathering last night. They said Jesus just showed up right in the middle of them, even though the doors were locked. Is that true? Were you socially distancing? Do you have any comment?

Thomas:    I’ve heard the same things you have, but I haven’t seen Jesus myself. I missed the meeting last night because … well, you don’t really need to know. At any rate, I’m a bit of a skeptic in general. I don’t take things at face value; I want real answers and proof! That’s the way I’ve always approached life.

For example, when Jesus told us that he was going to prepare a place for us, those other crazy guys were willing to accept that without question. Not me! I want the facts! So I asked Jesus just how we were supposed to know the way if we didn’t even know where he was going. I mean, even a GPS – (aside to the audience) that’s a God Positioning System – can’t help you then!

This morning when the other disciples told me what had happened last night, I didn’t believe them even though they insisted they had seen and touched Jesus. Personally, I think they saw what they wanted to see. After all, a whole bunch of them are fishermen, and you know what kind of stories they tell!

Which reminds me do you know why Noah didn’t do much fishing on the ark?

Reporter:  Search me. Why?

Thomas:    He only had two worms.

Reporter:  Ugh! The jokes are getting worse!

So, what would it take to convince you that Jesus has been raised from the dead? What’ll it take to convince you?

Thomas:    I’d have to see the real thing! That’s what happened with the other disciples. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect me to believe what they do when I haven’t had the same experience. If someone claiming to be Jesus appeared to me, I’d want to touch him first and make sure that he was real flesh and blood, not some cardboard cutout or vision. I want to be able to feel a real man.

Reporter:  That reminds me of a story I heard the other day. A little boy was called to supper and his mother asked him to go wash his hands. When he asked why he had to do that, his mother said, “To wash the germs away, of course. Remember, Jesus wants us to have clean hands.” The boy dragged himself up the stairs to the bathroom muttering, “Germs and Jesus, germs and Jesus! That’s all I ever hear about, and I’ve never seen either one!”

Thomas:    Exactly!

Then I’d have to make sure that this man was really Jesus and not an impostor. You know, Jesus had some really horrific wounds. First there were the nail holes in his feet and his hands. And then there’s that hole in his side where the soldier stuck his spear in. I’d want to put my finger in all of those wounds. Kind of gross, I know, but just seeing them wouldn’t quite be enough. They can do great things with make-up these days, ya know! I’d thrust my finger right in all of those wounds and make sure they weren’t fake. Then I would believe, but not otherwise. No way!

Reporter:  One last question: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Thomas:    Oh, good grief! I’m no farmer!

Reporter:  I guess I’ll have to tell you, then. A chicken coop has two doors because if it had four (pause) it would be a sedan!

Thank you very much for your comments, Mr. Didymus. I’ll be sure to include them in my article. They’ll be a great balance to all the wild rumors that are going around. Shalom!

Scene 2: In Jerusalem a week later

The reporter is walking around somewhat aimlessly when Thomas rushes up to him.

Thomas:    Hey! Excuse me! Aren’t you that reporter from the Bethany Gazette who interviewed me last week? I have to talk to you about Jesus.

Reporter:  Oh, Mr. Didymus. Or should I say Mr. Doubt-is-us? You wanna know what I heard? I heard you got a new moniker. I heard they’re calling you “doubting Thomas” because you don’t believe your friends have seen Jesus. How’s it going?

Thomas:    Fine! You know, I'm really more like “conditional Thomas” than “doubting Thomas”, but let’s cut the small talk. I have big news for you! You have to publish it in the Bethany Gazette and get it into the Jerusalem Post, too. It’s too important just to be stuck in a lowly suburban paper.

Reporter:  Well, my editor and I will be the judge of that, Mr. Didymus. But let’s have your story.

Thomas:    You remember that I told you I had to see Jesus and be convinced it was him before I would believe? Well, that’s exactly what’s happened!

Reporter:  Really! That would be important news!

Thomas:    You bet it’s important! The most important news the world has ever heard!

Last night we disciples had another meeting, only this time I cleared the decks so I could be there. And suddenly Jesus was standing right there in the middle of the group even though the doors were shut. He greeted us with a word of peace and then walked straight up to me and invited me to put my fingers in his wounds. He knew all about what I’d said. It was like he'd read the article in your paper! By that time, I didn’t need to touch him. Just seeing him was enough for me to believe!

As you might expect, I was totally blown away. I’m not really sure about everything that happened, but I think I was sobbing out loud both from fear and from joy. I know that I fell down on my knees and confessed that Jesus was my Lord and my God.

Reporter:  Forgive me, but I don’t get it. I don’t see the point. Jesus himself raised three people from the dead, and it didn’t really make a difference to anyone except the formerly dead people and their families.

Thomas:    What did you just say? “Forgive me?” But that’s the point!

Reporter:  Look, you’ve gotta explain that to me, because I don’t get it. And If  I don’t get it, I can’t write the story.

Thomas:    Well, you see, Jesus really isn’t ticked off about Friday. He’s forgiven everyone who was involved for everything that they did.

We were all afraid – afraid of the Judeans and maybe even a little afraid of Jesus. After all, we'd really let him down. I was the one who said that we should go to Judea with him and be ready to die with him. But when push came to shove, I turned tail and ran with the rest.

But when Jesus came into that room and said, “Shalom. Peace be with you”, everything changed. We all knew that Jesus wasn't angry with us. Instead, he offered us forgiveness and peace. I feel like a new man! My relationship with Jesus has been restored. And because Jesus is God's son, I'm right with God again, too!

Reporter:  Hold it! Hold it for just a minute, here! What about all of those sacrifices in the Torah? I've spent a fortune on livestock over the years just so it could be slaughtered and burned up!

Thomas:    Well, they're not necessary anymore. Because of Jesus’ death and resurrection, I'm forgiven and at peace with God again. I think there must be some big theological term for this! It's on the tip of my tongue…. You're a reporter, help me!

Reporter:  Hmm… Adjudication? Accommodation? Amyraldianism? Double Predestination?  Justification?

Thomas:    Yea, That's it! Because we are justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Bruh, that sounds dope, someone should write it down someday!

Anyway, the peace and forgiveness that Jesus gives us affects our relationships with each other, as well as with God. We're called to follow his example and pass on the forgiveness we've been given to those around us.

Reporter:  OK, so, let's see. If I wanted to write a headline for this story, and I’m just spit-ballin’, here, but how about something like: Know Jesus, know peace; no Jesus, no peace.

Thomas:    What? I'm not quite sure I understand.

Reporter:  Let me show you. (“Writes” a sign and holds it up.)

Thomas:    Oh, now I get it! That's great! You're really good with words!

Reporter:  Well, I did graduate from Galilee Community College. Ok, so, look: what you've said sounds great for you disciples, but what about the rest of us poor schmucks? Most of us haven't seen Jesus.

Thomas:    But that's the fantastic thing about what's happened. This is truly Good News for everyone. It's not just for us disciples or even just for all of those who are believers at this very minute. It's for everyone who comes to faith in Jesus whether it's in the first century or the twenty-first century or anytime! God wants everyone to know Jesus.

Reporter:  I’m sorry, but that just doesn’t add up. I mean, that includes a whole bunch of people who won't have the opportunity to see Jesus. How do you expect them to believe, Mr. Conditional Thomas?

Thomas:    Jesus knows how hard it can be to believe. In fact, he said a wonderful thing: “Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe.” This is a blessing for all those who don't have the benefit of a direct experience like I've had but still manage to come to faith in spite of uncertainty and questions. In fact, I think being faithful followers of Jesus doesn't mean not having doubts but learning to live with them and believe anyway. And to enjoy the forgiveness and peace that God offers. So someone needs to start spreadin' the Word!

Reporter:  Who’s gonna take care of that for you? Not my newspaper, I hope. We may be black and white and read all over, but that job is more than we can take on..

Thomas:    You're right about that! Before he died, Jesus promised to send us the Spirit to help us and that's happened. Jesus has asked us to spread this message of forgiveness and peace far and wide. I'm so excited! I can hardly wait! And I'm getting the urge to travel and spread the word in far off places. Maybe even India!

Reporter:  Nah! Not possible. A couple of hundred people? Tops?  No way!

Thomas:    You're right again. But the promises that Jesus made to us apply to anyone who believes at any time. Every believer receives forgiveness, peace with God, and the gift of the Holy Spirit. And once they see what a difference this makes in their lives, believers will want to tell other people and bring them into a closer relationship with Jesus and the community of believers on earth.

Reporter:  I think I need to do a little more digging on this. For the story, I mean! I'm not interested in joining myself, of course. When will you be meeting again? Would I be welcome? Is there gonna be a press-pool?

Thomas:    Certainly! Our group will be getting together again next Sunday. We're trying to come up with a name for ourselves. Matthew, one of the other disciples, has suggested “church”. What do you think of that? Anyway, I'm sure you'll like our group. It could even become a regular habit for you. You never can tell what the Holy Spirit will do!

Reporter:  Oh, not to me. Look, I'm just doing research. I don't intend to actually become a believer and join the group. I don’t join. I’m not a joiner.

Thomas:    Uh, huh. That sounds a lot like some of the things I said. We'll just have to see what happens next week. I'll meet you here and we can go together.

Reporter:  OK. See you then!

Thomas:    Now don't be like the guy who was late to the football game. By the time he arrived, the game had already started. “Why are you so late?” asked his friend. “I couldn’t decide between going to church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin,” he said. “But that shouldn’t have taken too long.” said the friend. “Well, I had to toss it 35 times.”

Reporter: Ha,ha! You're a doubter to the end, Thomas. Don't worry, I'll be here